SUNDAY, APRIL 21, 2019



    The above quote are words I used to live by. It made me strong. It made the pain of injuries, or just everyday training, feel purposeful and meaningful. I could always find my passion. I could always distinguish what it is that I wanted and who I wanted to be, and ultimately how to do it. Now that isn't the case.

    For two years, I never felt stronger in my life. I felt invincible. I felt like I finally found my place.  I felt comfortable in my own skin. I started talking to more people, feeling confident in the words I said. The pain I was dealing with, I learned how to compartmentalize and only let those few people I trusted know what was really underneath the surface. But I loved what I did, so it all made sense. 

    Then a dam broke. And I was tossed in. The things that I kept below the surface came rushing out and I didn't know how to deal. It flooded the joy, the passion. The life rushed away from me. I always sought after attention, the constant need and search to be loved by everything and everyone and I wouldn't settle for anything less. I thought that when I finally reached the ultimate prize of competition that everything I was looking for would appear in front of me. I would be loved. I would be seen. But in reality, I was being naive, my life didn’t change at all. I won, but it felt like I lost a huge part of me. 

    I don’t mean to sound like a petty twenty three year old, which is honestly how I feel like I’m being perceived right now. But there is a pit in my stomach, a constant weight in my chest, and a pounding in my head that just gets worse the more the day goes on. Often the only source of a reprieve is sleep. Getting my brain to quiet only when I am dreaming. 

    Though I know there are still my few trusted companions. The things I know I love are still there. My home, my pets, my family, and my boyfriend. I am clinging to them. I am holding onto them for dear life. The rest of me is pulling me into darkness. Into tears and hate. But I am fighting. 

A life, after all, is simply a series of little lives, each of them lived one day at a time, and every single one of those days has choices and consequences. Piece by piece, those decisions help form the people we become.” - Nicholas Sparks, Every Breath.

The book of my first life has come to an end. That book is closed. I’m excited and terrified to see what the sequel will be. Right now its a mass of confusion, I can’t wait to see where everything ties together.

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